You know, my mum asked me to do something I really hate. She asked me to shave all my hair and eye browns off. She said I have to put on an orange robe and not wear any underwear too. Do you want to know why? She wanted me to become a novice monk for my great grandmother (on my father‘s side) who died recently.

My great grandmum died when she was 95 years old. My mum told me that she was a very kind person and my mum really loved her. I didn’t really know her that well because I only saw her when I was a baby and a couple of times when I was a kid.

Now, my great grandmum is in a temple and my parents and relations are preparing a funeral for her. The funeral will be going on for seven days. My parents and grandparents will have to go to the funeral every day. Really I have to be there to help them too but I am a bit busy with my work so I told them I can’t go every day. They seemed to be a bit angry with me when I told them that.

I went to the funeral on the second day. When I was there I saw that they were tired. My mum was sitting down at the table in the kitchen area with sweat all over her face and clothes. I saw that she was holding a big tray in her hands. She must have just come back from serving water to people at the funeral.

I walked into the kitchen to meet her and paid her my respect, but she didn’t say anything back to me. She must still be angry with me after I told her I won’t become a novice monk. At that time, I asked her “Why don’t you get Guy (my younger brother) to do it. Why me? Do I really have to do it?”. She replied back to my face that “Guy has already agreed to be a novice monk. What about you? Can’t you be a good great grandson like your brother?” Those words kept me quiet for a while. A few seconds later I asked her about why should I have to do it while Guy has agreed to do it already. She replied that it’s because I am the oldest great grandson in the family and really I must do it, not Guy. I told her my excuse that I was very busy. I had lots of work to do. But, really I just didn’t want to shave off my hair. It takes a long time for me to grow it long like it is, especially as I have curly hair. It takes a longer time to grow than other people.

I went to get a big tray from the kitchen and then I went to get bottles of water to put on it. It was quite heavy to carry around. Now I understood why my mum was sweaty. I went to serve the water to the guests. While I was serving, I saw my dad and other relations running around doing something. They looked very tired. There were a lot of people who came to the funeral but not many people there were helping. I was walking and serving all day. I didn’t even have time to eat. Then I knew why they wanted me to come to help every day.

I didn’t go to the funeral on the fourth and fifth day. I went there again on the sixth day in the late afternoon. My parents were running around. They looked like a ghost when I saw them. I quickly went to help. When the day finished, my uncle came up to me and told me that tomorrow is the last day and the busiest day so they need me to come to help.

The seventh and last day for the funeral. I went to the temple with my girlfriend. I asked her to come to help with the work. We were there quite early but not early enough to have a rest first. Tai went straight to help my mum in the kitchen while I went to park my motorbike. Then I went to help my dad set up the crematorium by putting some flowers on the steps. After we had finished setting up, I followed my dad to help the others prepare flowers made from thin pieces of wood or “Dok Mai Jan” in Thai.

A few hours passed. I was very tired and hungry so I went to have a rest with Tai at a noodle shop. When we came back, we heard monks chanting and I saw them next to the crematorium. Everybody was sitting down on a chair listening with their hands together at chest level. I knew then that it must nearly be time to cremate my great grandmum. Tai tapped me softly on my back and asked me to take a look at a group of novice monks or nehn in Thai. I looked at them and then I started to laugh when I saw my brother, Guy or nehn Guy I should say. He was the fattest novice monk in the group. Tai and I walked toward him to take a closer look, also teasing him.

The monks had finished chanting. I felt so much better because I don’t like to sit still without doing anything. The details of my great grandmum were read out on the microphone by one of my relations. While she was reading it, some people started to go up to the crematorium to put Dok Mai Jan under my great grandmum’s coffin. My aunt’s little daughter (about five years old) was standing by the stairs giving out a souvenir to everyone when they came down. I waited for a while until there were less people then I went up there with Tai. She asked me while we were walking up what she had to do when she got up there. I laughed at her question. She was a bit moody and said that she had never done it before. She said that this time was only the second time she had been to a funeral since she was born. I laughed again and then told her that what she needed to do is pray for great grandmum to go to the heaven and put the flower under the coffin when finished. We came down and got souvenirs from my cousin then I went to talk to nehn Guy while Tai was helping my aunt.

When most people had gone home and there were only close relatives of my great grandmother left around, it was a time to open the coffin to let everyone see her and say goodbye to her for the last time. I was about to go up the crematorium to see her but there were to many people there so I didn’t go at first. Tai said she wanted to take a look. She looked very excited maybe because she had never seen a dead body before so I went up there with her. I took her to the front of the people there, most of them were very sad. I paid respects to my great grandmum and took a last look at her then I went down to wait for Tai to come down. She came down with a shocked face. I couldn’t see any of her excited face anymore. I asked her what’s wrong? She replied with a quiet voice saying that she was scared of my great grandmother. I saw her eyes were watering and the tears were about to come out. She told me she will never go to a funeral again.

The coffin was closed and moved inside the crematorium by some people at the temple. Those people then lit the fire. I saw some smoke coming out from the top of the crematorium. My grandfather was walking up the steps with some of those wooden flowers in his hands. He walked to the fire and then put those flowers in the fire with tears in his eyes. Everyone in the family, including Tai, followed him up and did the same thing. Everyone tried not to cry because Thai people believe that if your tears drop on the dead person, you will make them worried and they will have to swim through your tears to reach heaven.

I felt terrible while I was standing and looking at the fire. I said to myself “I am sorry, great grandmum. I know that I am a terrible great grandson. I should have become a novice monk for you. I should have felt this earlier. Now I can’t really do anything about it. I can’t go back in time to change it. The only thing I can do for you now is pray and make merit for you to help you go to heaven. I shall keep doing that. I promise great grandmum.”

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This is the uncut version of Panrit's article that first appeared in his Gor's World column in the Bangkok Post when he was 16 years old. We will be posting his full versions every Sunday for him while he is still in prison. Read more about Gor at his website www.ThailandLife.com.